(Journal entry)
My trauma is being triggered, subconsciously by male clients maybe because I was assaulted by a male. My daughter is my whole world and I need to be here for her. I was thinking about the concept of suicide and the “bravery” it must take to knowingly know your expiration date.
The “heroism” to successfully pull the trigger, swallow the pills, sli the wrists, everything. To get to a place where the fear of the unknown isn’t fear at all but a portal to another world, another life. Would it be a better life? That’s the question. (End of entry)
Don’t worry there was more to the entry that I don’t feel comfortable sharing but it has a happy ending. Therapy and psychiatry appointments are allowing me to show up for myself for the first time ever. Healing my inner child and that young adult who felt worthless after saying NO and that not being heard.
I spent a few hours last night talking to my mother in law Janet and my Aunt Nee-Nee, which helped me soooo much, they didn’t even know the struggle(s) I’ve been having lately.
I looked through Solana’s baby book last night and I saw the picture of me and her sleeping together when she was just born and I saw that we were wrapped up nice and cozy im my great great grandmother’s quilt. I went to the closet grabbed the quilt and started to admire every stich and every pattern. It made me feel very good, did my great great grandmother know that her great great granddaughter would be holding her quilt that she made generations later? I am honored.
Ultimately family and friends that you trust are essential to living and I am grateful that I have that.
Wednesday’s Family 
4 responses to “My great great grandmother’s trauma blanket”
Simply beautiful!
I love you and Solana so much!
We love you too, so much.
Wednesday…Thank you for sharing your most vulnerable moments with others. I find that it truly helps other people to know someone else can relate to what they’re going through. Plus, it will help you heal as well. I am so very sorry about the trauma you’ve experienced but I am so PROUD of you, Sweet Girl, for taking steps to heal your inner child and sharing with your Mother in law and Aunt. It’s important to share with those who love you. I wish I had learned to do this years ago. My thoughts are with you and I’m praying for your ongoing healing. I hope you, your man and little Miss Solana have a wonderful weekend!! 😀❤️ BTW…Love your quilt. I have some really special ones too, made by grandmothers and great-grandmothers. I cherish them so.
Thank you for sharing those beautiful words. Gosh how I need to read that more than ever these days.
I owe it to myself and my child to give her a full mommy, a transparent mommy. I spent 10 years of my life numbing to forget just for it to come back with dominance that stops you in your track. Learning basic emotions and learning how to handle and manage emotions can be rough as I don’t have many years of experience but I’m learning now and I’m okay with that.
I’m glad to know you have memorabilia from your grandmother and great, what an honor to still have an essence of them.
Have a wonderful weekend as well. 💛